


Oh L'Amour

by Eowyn (eowynsmusings)



Series: Snapshots [2]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, POV, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-05 01:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eowynsmusings/pseuds/Eowyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just some stupid old song, but it still makes Justin think...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh L'Amour

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to Too Late. It's told from Justin's POV, and is a songfic, but you'll see that yourself when you read on :)  
>   
>  Set about 28 minutes into 3.03. Just changed things around a bit... Brian and Justin aren't walking towards the diner, but they meet up there. Oh, and the song in question is Erasure's lovely _Oh L'Amour_.  
>   
>  Disclaimer: All QaF characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. No profit is being made, no copyright infringement is intended.  
>   
>  Beta: Beta'ed by Undomiel_48 as per usual.

When he called me, I just wanted to hang up on him. But I'm not that big a coward so I agreed to meet up at the diner. Besides, the prospect of seeing him again... It's not exactly unpleasant. On the contrary. Which is the problem.  
  
I think Ethan caught some funny vibes yesterday when I got home, but he didn't say anything. And I feel like a total shit. I've been deceiving myself, I guess, when I told myself that Brian was history. That there weren't any feelings, any unresolved business... That kiss drove home just how wrong I'd been. And the worst thing is – I want more. Not from Ethan, but from Brian. Fuck. How pathetic can you be? It was one kiss, for fuck's sake! Probably had pretty much nothing to do with _me_. He was simply bored and thought "What the heck? He's here, so I might as well give it a try."  
  
I only wish I could believe it ... could believe that he doesn't want me as much as I... 'Stop it, Taylor! You don't want Brian! You're with Ethan now. With the man you chose. You can't do a 180 degree turn now just because you feel like it. You're in this mess because _you_ wanted it this way. Now deal with it.' Yeah, right. Care to enlighten me as to _how_ I'm supposed to do that?  
  
"Sunshine?" Shit, that's Deb. "You can go now. Your shift ended ten minutes ago." She smiles, but the smile falters as soon as the door opens and Brian comes in, making a beeline for the counter – and me. But funny enough she doesn't start off with her usual "Now what can I get you, asshole?" On the contrary. She just pats his cheek, and nods. What the fuck is going on there?! "Can I get you anything, honey?"  
  
He shakes his head. "I've got a date..." She frowns. "With Justin." Okay, now she looks totally bewildered and turns to me.  
  
"It's okay, Deb. It's just business..." And I'm fucking hallucinating here, cause I could swear his face fell at my words. And that's so not possible. "I'll just get my things, okay?" He shrugs, and I'm rushing to the staff room like the pathetic, stupid idiot that I am. 'It's only wishful thinking, Taylor. He doesn't miss you. I mean, why would he? He never wanted to be with you to begin with...' Oh shut up and just leave me alone. I know all that, okay?! I know that Brian Kinney doesn't do relationships, doesn't want them. That he _won't_...  
  
Someone switched on the stupid radio, and there's this old Erasure song playing... _Oh L'Amour. Broke my heart, now I'm aching for you..._ I want to throw the thing against the wall because ... I don't want to hear that shit! I get enough of it from Mikey. _How can you be such a shit after all he's done for you?_ Not to forget the part where he told me to just fuck off once and for all. _You know, since you're no longer with Brian, there's really no reason for you to be here. So why don't you do us all a favour, including yourself, and disappear?!_ Okay, okay ... he apologised. Yeah, right after Brian punched him ... and I still want to know what that was all about.  
  
Ethan thinks that was Brian showing his true nature, but that's fucking bullshit. I _know_ it was about me. Fuck, you don't have to be a fucking genius to get that. And whatever it was, whatever snide little remark Mikey made about me, it brought out Brian's protective side. Protective of me. Yeah, the stupid little faggot who got bashed and didn't die... After all, that's why he took me in, right? That's all I ever was to him... So why does it still hurt so much to be in the same room with him? 'Because there's a gulf between you now, a gulf of your own creation. You want to touch him, to kiss him – and we all know where that lead yesterday. But don't kid yourself. You'll _never_ be what he wants, what he _needs_. Cause he doesn't need anything. Anyone. He's a free agent! So you better make do with what you have – and what you have is Ethan...'  
  
 _Looking for you, you were looking for me. Always reaching for you, you were too blind to see..._ Shit! Fucking allergies. I _so_ don't want him to see me with bloodshot eyes ... and all because of a stupid song from the 80s. But it's true, isn't it? I was reaching for him, but he always, _always_ shot me down. And eventually I didn't even reach out anymore. Because I couldn't take the pain of crashing down and burning to ashes. _I'm falling apart, no good on my own._ 'But you're not on your own... You have Ethan. Remember? Ethan. The man you fucked more than once. Whose romantic gestures meant so much more to you than whatever Brian was giving you.' And what exactly was that? Fucking doesn't solve problems, for crying out loud! But if I know that, why can I still feel his lips on mine ... his hands in my hair. And why am I longing for more?  
  
 _Why throw it away? Why walk out on me?_ Okay, I walked out on him, but it's not like he even tried to stop me. On the contrary. He made sure I went looking for him and then ... he was fucking _Rage_. So I knew where I stood. Is it surprising that I wanted more? That I wanted someone who wouldn't run for cover whenever someone so much as insinuated that we might be a couple? 'Ethan wouldn't do that. Actually ... he wants to show you off. And that's what you wanted, isn't it?' I don't know! I don't know what the fuck I want! Except for... 'For Brian to touch you again like he did last night? Well, you can't have that. Remember? You're in a committed relationship now.' Well, maybe I should be _committed_. Cause I'm beginning to wonder...  
  
 _There once was a time, had you here by my side. You said I wasn't your kind, only here for the ride._ Yeah, Brian always told me that he wasn't _boyfriend material_. Told me in no uncertain terms that he'd never change for me. 'And why would he? You don't deserve anything from him, you little cheat. Thought it was exciting, did you? To sneak around behind his back. But he caught up. Told you that you _stink_ , that you fucking reek of it. Of betrayal. Those rules, your precious rules... He followed them to the letter, while you went and broke each of them.' _No emotional ties, you don't remember my name._ Well, he shouldn't. He should forget I even exist. Why couldn't he just go to someone from the Arts Department and let me... _I lay down and die, I'm only to blame._ Fucking stupid song! I am to blame, I know. For all of this shit. Guess fighting to survive after Hobbs took that bat to my head wasn't a smart thing. Could have saved us all so much trouble if I'd just...  
  
 _Oh love of my heart, it's up to you now. You tore me apart, I hurt inside out._ Shit. Now where did I put the kleenex? 'Oh come on. You don't need a song to tell you that you still love him. But you don't deserve him, so get over it. He's better off without you.' But I have to stick around, have to make sure that he's okay. Because ... because that's what he'd do, what he _is_ doing. First the tuition and the computer, now the poster... He's still looking out for me, and I'm too fucking weak to fight him. Too fucking weak to sneak out through the back door. Or maybe I just need to see him more than I need for the pain to go away. Whatever. So I grab my stuff and sort myself out – making myself presentable, I guess – and walk back out into the _lion's den_ with a final glare at the radio.  
  
Brian's talking with Deb, but as soon as they see me, they fall silent. Perfect. Just perfect. And he remains silent as he opens the door and we set out down Liberty. Eventually though, he points out some of the posters for the _Carnivale_ and hands me a cheque. "Here's your fee. Plus a hundred dollar bonus for finishing on time." I thank him like the good little WASP I was brought up to be, and he goes on. "And here's ... two tickets," he's waving them at me, "for tonight. One for you and ... one for ... _Ian_." Shit! He knows Ethan's name, but still he... I so want the ground to open under my feet right now... That look on his face – oh, he tries to hide it, but maybe part of me is still on to him. I simply know that he's ... hurting. 'Well done, Taylor. Very well done. You should just stay clear of him. You suffering over this is one thing, but he so doesn't need that.' I don't want him to hurt, never wanted him to hurt. And I wish...  
  
And just when I consider reaching out once again, who should arrive but _Ian_. Ethan! Ethan I mean. And he kisses me, right there in front of Brian. Fuck! I want to shove him away, because this is just wrong. Brian's hurting anyway, he doesn't need... And I don't want him to see... "I was just admiring your boyfriend's latest creation." Ethan responds with some shit about doing your best work when you have someone you love to inspire you, and crap like that, and I just want to hit him. Doesn't he see what he's doing? Or ... could it be that he knows it full-well and does it out of spite? 'Well, if he is it's your fault. Cause who told him all those horror-stories about Brian?' I have to drag him away, have to get away because I can't stand that look on Brian's face anymore. But as Ethan regales me with stories of his day, I have to look back... Can't help looking back. And I wish I knew how to take that pained expression off Brian's face. I wish I knew... _Mon Amour. What's a boy in love supposed to do?_

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued in "Running Away".


End file.
